Monday, March 10, 2014


The other day I was thinking about infertility and how so many people I know are affected by it.  I was thinking about my own struggle with it and how for me a simple thing ended years of the pain of infertility. There are such wonderful people out there who have inspirational blogs that are amazing and I would never claim to have one of those because lets face it......I don't. But I do have a story and I thought that maybe....just maybe, it could help even one person end their long wait for a child.... Maybe it will just end in a bunch of rambling that you have to endure but even if it is I feel the desire and the need to share. So here it is.

Growing up all I ever wanted to be was a mother. You always assume growing up that you will marry and have children. No problems. That's just the way it works right? Not so much. We were married in 2005 and no babies came. For awhile that was ok. Then as time went on it went from worry to such pain. I remember wanting so badly to be happy for people who I found out were pregnant but it was so hard. It wasn't so much that I wasn't happy for them but just that it made me so much sadder for me. I was jealous. Sometimes wondering why some people (sometimes people who it seemed didn't even deserve it....yes, I know. Judgmental. Horrible of me right?) were blessed this way while I struggled.

There were happy times. I'm not saying that my life was horrible the 5 years I struggled with infertility but it seemed to always be there hanging over my head. The one big thing that seemed to be denied to me. Mother's Day. I HATED Mother's Day. I remember one Mother's Day Jason had to work so I was at church by myself. I was sitting near the front in a side pew by the wall. At the end of church they had the mother's stand to give them a gift and I cried. I cried and I cried and I cried. I wanted so badly to run from the room and wallow in my heartbreak but I was blocked in the pew by a young pregnant mother with 2 small children......... yeah.

So instead of pushing past them and walking to the back of the room passing every person in the building I sat there trying (probably in vain) to hide the fact that I was so miserable. After that year I did notice that they started asking for all Relief Society sisters (women 18 and up) to stand instead of saying mothers. I don't know that I was the reason for the change in the wording, although I'm sure the situation was probably brought up, but I was thankful for that change. It still wasn't an easy holiday but it did help a tiny bit.

 I remember crying my heart out more then once saying that if God was waiting for me to be ok with it, I never would be. And I meant it.  As the years passed an amazing thing happened. I was still sad and worried I would never have children but I got to where I could be happy for people again. That felt good!

I have Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome. I had never heard of it until I was married. I think it's probably a lot more common in the world today then we even know. My sister Karen has it too and had started taking Metformin. It is a blood sugar medication that is usually for patients with diabetes but many with PCOS have an insulin resistance so it can be prescribed to help lessen the symptoms of PCOS. One day I got a call from her saying she was pregnant and that I should try Metformin. Without her telling me that I never would have known it even existed.

It took a little while before I talked to the doctor about it and then even after I was on it, it took quite awhile but then one day in July of 2010 I wasn't feeling quite right and decided to take a $ store test because let's face it....I was sick to death of spending money on tests that were always negative. I looked down and saw one line and got a little teary and then I looked back down and there was a very faint second line.........I bought a Clearblue easy test. I wasn't about to trust some lines. I needed to see the words. PREGNANT.

In my imaginations I always assumed I would dramatically fall to my knees crying happy tears of joy. Giving my thanks to my Heavenly Father. Oh, I cried. I covered my face with my hands and cried repeating "Please let it be true. Please let it be true" over and over. I was so scared that it wasn't true or that something would be wrong (I had a lot of cramping). But, it was true! Noah was born in March 2011. A few months after he turned one I went back on Metformin expecting it to take awhile. A few months later....PREGNANT. Sawyer was born in May 2013.

I called a friend of mine when I found out I was pregnant with Sawyer who has also suffered years of infertility. She had tried Metformin for a little while in the past but had a minor side effects and had stopped taking it. I called her and told her she needed to go back on it. She did and got a time release pill instead which cured the side effect. She now has a beautiful 4 month old baby boy.

I'm not saying that Metformin is a cure-all. It may not work for every person because every person's body and problems are not the same but I do know one thing for sure. I am 100% certain that that medication allowed my body to finally work in a way that allowed me to have my children. I am so grateful for it, I'm grateful for my sister who recommended it, and I am most grateful to my Heavenly Father who inspired men to create the medicine and who has always been there for me.

I was thinking about my story and all of those who suffer with the same pain and even though it makes me feel kind of vulnerable sharing such personal information with the world I started to think that if just one person with similar medical issues reads this, talks to their doctor, feels right about it and is finally able to get their babies then it was worth sharing. I just felt strongly that maybe there is someone out there this may help....and I so hope that it does. :)


Jennifer said...

I don't have any deep introspective thoughts on your post but I just wanted to mention one thing. What's the deal with the weird "can we please have the mothers stand" to receive their Mother's Day flowers thing? Whether they say "women 18 & up" or "mothers" the whole thing seems awkward. They should just bring the flowers around and hand them to any women they see. That way a woman doesn't have to decide whether she "deserves" the flower or not, deciding if she's old enough, young enough, or whether she measures up to the other women in the room, mother or not. Just hand the dang flowers out! Better yet, chocolate.

KarenEJacobs said...

They did candy bars one year, and it was AWWWWESOME. And I'm so glad I have my two sweetie-pie nephews now. :)

Tiffany Cramer said...

Thanks for sharing, J. I'm going to pass this on to my sis. Just last night Steve and I were talking about how much we adore you. It made us want to hop in the car right then and hang out with you.

Natasha and Jesse said...

I found out I had PCOS before I was married and the doctor told me that I wouldn't be able to have children- he was so nonchalant about it too which made the news so much worse. I cried for weeks and weeks. It was so hard for me thinking that the one thing that I wanted most in life (besides marriage) would be denied me. I was angry.

I started taking Metformin after the diagnosis and once I was married I found out I was pregnant with Malachi a short while later. I didn't struggle with infertility per se, because we didn't have to wait years to have a baby, but I also think the Metformin allowed me to have children. I am so grateful for it as well.

(Btw, the doctor who gave me the diagnosis had horrible bedside manners and now I sometimes feel like going back to him and shoving my children in his face and telling him he was wrong...but I know that wouldn't do any good.)

Elisha Kearns said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I too have PCOS and I found encouragement through your victory :)